just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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