if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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