you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
this hospital has no fireball
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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