I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
