i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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