i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
