I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
