my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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