Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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