I think i peed on brittanys purse
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
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im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
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There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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