When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
