his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
