I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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