tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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