then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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