I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
