I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
