he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
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I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
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I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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