So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
