you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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