she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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