I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
