Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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