My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
