no, he came in my armpit
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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