Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
