cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
