She kept screaming "best case scenario"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
