I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
