i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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