two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
