pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
