Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
