Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
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Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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