I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
