I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I did not marry a roomba.
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