he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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