If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
