my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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