WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
