ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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