is your mom at the bar?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
