I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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