i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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