just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Even my vagina gasped.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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