bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
