he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Are my feet made of real feet?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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