The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.