idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
