you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.