So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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