Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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