Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
