I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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