how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
