My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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