Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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