I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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