farters have to be the big spoon...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
