its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
