I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When did angry sex become our thing?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
