I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
