i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
