Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
